Minding the Gate ? Sexuality, Desire, and Boundaries | Melissa ...

Minding the Gate
Sexuality, Desire, and Boundaries: A Fundamental Negotiation of
Relationship

What do you already know about your boundaries? Do you have strong
boundaries? Not-so-strong boundaries? Do they shift in quality between
situations? Not sure what kind of boundaries you have? Personal
boundaries are determined by your biology, gender, culture, religion,
profession, and more. When people say they have ?strong? boundaries,
they probably mean that they know when to say ?no? or are able to
maintain consistent values across situations. And when people say they
have ?weak? boundaries, they probable spend a lot of time feeling like
a doormat. Boundaries themselves fluctuate throughout life and on many
different levels. So let?s take a closer look at the nature of
boundaries and how it relates to sexuality.

What are Boundaries?
The primary boundary we have as living beings is the boundary of our
skin and body. This boundary is fundamentally permeable, as we are in
constant exchange with our environment through our senses. We breathe
in air from our environment and all the smells, particles, pollen,
exhaust, or fresh mountain air that surrounds us. We then breathe out,
sharing our internal landscape with the world around us.? This is the
fundamental reciprocation and information exchange between our inner
and outer world. The power of choice comes in when we choose what we
breathe in, which is sometimes a luxury. We may choose where to live
(the city or the mountains), where or what to eat, what detergents and
lotions to use, and which lover to take based on our sense of smell and
how the environment makes our body feel.

Another type of boundary is our set of values and opinions. As humans,
we can have rigid values, values that we invite to change and expand
with information and experience, and values that fluctuate based on the
group we are in. We can hit difficult territory if we hold a value
about sexuality that our partner feels very differently about. For
example, one partner may prefer nude hot springs (common in Colorado)
while the other may feel really uncomfortable ?getting naked? in front
of strangers. Values and opinions can be shaped by the culture we are
raised in and affect us depending on our age, gender, or sexual
orientation.

The Importance of Boundary Awareness in Relationship
When in relationship, honoring personal boundaries can create
frustration or keep a sex life alive! Just as Esther Perel says in
Mating in Captivity ?Eroticism thrives in the space between the self
and the other.? No boundaries, no space. No space, no eroticism. So,
the question becomes, how to hold personal boundaries while still
maintaining relationship. First of all, let?s talk about acquainting
ourselves with our boundaries by tuning our inner ?yes? and ?no?
compass. Take a moment right now and think of an activity, person, or
place where you feel open and relaxed or excited and grounded. What
does it feel like in your body? Warm in your chest? Relaxed in your
shoulders and jaw? Butterflies in your stomach? This is your ?yes.?
where your boundaries are permeable and inviting. On the other side,
where do you feel dull and heavy or constricted and irritated? Do you
feel wiggly in your stomach? Tense in your shoulders and jaw? This is
where your ?no? lives and your boundaries become more firm, closing you
off from receiving something that doesn?t feel good. Take a moment to
first trust that your body is telling you the truth, even if it is
inconvenient, and honor your boundaries. When in relationship, your
partner may ask you to make love when you?re not in the mood or in a
way that is not immediately exciting to you. When you feel that
constriction in your body, you know that a boundary is going up. Take a
moment to acknowledge and honor your response. Now that you have
acknowledged and honored, what kind of shift can you make to turn
toward your ?yes?? Often times, just by acknowledging your boundaries,
a shift is created. Maybe you don?t want to make love right away, but
want to take a bath with your partner or ask for a massage to relax
your body after a long day. Imagine your energy like the water in a
stream ? it hits a rock and finds a new pathway that feels fluid. In
the same way, a ?no? boundary means that other doors are open for you
to make a choice. Feeling your boundaries and creatively offering other
options can be sexy and spark the desire that is not immediately
present.

So what kind of boundaries do you want? Does your boundary feel like a
brick wall? Does it feel like you have no boundary at all in
relationship? How can you create a boundary that both honors yourself
and lets you maintain relationships with the people you love and care
about? This is a journey all your own and will not look like the
journey of the person next to you. Let yourself explore and discover
your unique way of thriving!

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